When most people think about dementia, they think about memory loss. But for many families and caregivers, one of the hardest parts is something much deeper: grieving someone who is still here.

You may still be sitting beside the person you love, holding their hand, helping them through the day and yet feel as though you are slowly losing pieces of the relationship you once shared.

You may miss the conversations you used to have. You may miss asking for their advice, hearing their familiar humour, or feeling understood without having to explain yourself. You can be right beside them and still ache for the person they used to be.

Loving Someone While Grieving Them

There is a term for this experience: ambiguous grief or ambiguous loss.

It describes the experience of grieving something that has changed a memory, a role, a routine, or a relationship while the person you love is still present.

With dementia, these changes often happen gradually. There may not be one particular day when everything changes. Instead, small losses can appear over time:

• Conversations may become more difficult.

• Familiar routines may change.

• Independence may decrease.

• They may no longer ask for your advice.

• They may not recognise you in the same way.

• The relationship may feel different from what it once was.

Just as you begin to adjust to one change, another may appear.

This can leave caregivers feeling many emotions at once. Sadness and gratitude, love and frustration, grief and hope, exhaustion and devotion.

You can miss who someone was while still deeply loving who they are today. Both can be true.

You Can Miss Someone Who Is Sitting Right Beside You

One of the hardest parts of dementia can be explaining this feeling to someone who hasn't experienced it.

You may be caring for your loved one every day. You may be holding their hand, helping them eat, getting them dressed, or simply sitting together.

And still, a wave of grief can appear.

You may be missing the way they used to see you, their opinions, their sense of humour, their reassurance, or the way they understood you.

Sometimes a simple memory can bring all of that back at once and with it, the realisation that certain conversations or experiences may never happen in quite the same way again.

That grief can come unexpectedly.

And that's okay.

The Person Changes, But Connection Doesn't Have to Disappear

Dementia can change someone's abilities, communication, personality, and understanding of the world. But connection does not necessarily disappear.

Sometimes, connection simply needs to take a different form.

Perhaps long conversations aren't possible anymore, but you can still:

• Listen to a favourite song together.

• Look through old photographs.

• Share a favourite meal.

• Sit quietly side by side.

• Hold their hand.

• Share a smile or laugh.

• Enjoy a familiar routine together.

These moments may seem small, but they can still carry meaning.

You don't have to ignore the things you've lost. Your grief is real and deserves space. At the same time, there may still be small opportunities for connection if you look for them.

It's Okay to Feel Two Things at Once

Caregiving rarely comes with one simple emotion.

You might feel:

• Sadness and gratitude

• Love and frustration

• Grief and hope

• Exhaustion and devotion

• Anger and compassion

• Relief and guilt

You might spend the morning grieving the person your loved one used to be and later find yourself smiling because they squeezed your hand or shared a familiar moment with you.

These feelings don't cancel each other out.

They can all be true at the same time.

Don't Feel Guilty for Missing Who They Were

Some caregivers feel guilty about missing the person their loved one used to be.

You may wonder whether missing the past means you haven't accepted the present.

It doesn't.

You are allowed to honour the life and relationship you shared. You are allowed to miss the conversations, adventures, routines, and connection that once felt natural.

And you are also allowed to love and care for the person in front of you today.

You don't have to choose between the past and the present. You can hold both.

Meet Them Where They Are Today

One of the kindest things you can offer yourself is permission to stop trying to recreate the relationship exactly as it was before dementia.

The way you communicate may be different now.

The way affection is shown may be different.

The activities you enjoy together may be different.

But love doesn't have to disappear simply because its shape has changed.

Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can do is meet your loved one where they are right now. Not where they were a year ago, and not where you wish they could still be.

Meet them there. Love them there. Connect with them there.

You're Allowed to Grieve While Still Loving Them

Caring for someone with dementia isn't only about learning how to adapt to the changes.

Sometimes it's also about learning how to carry grief and love at the same time.

You don't have to stop missing who they were.

You don't have to pretend the changes don't hurt.

You don't have to feel grateful every day.

Hard days are allowed.

Grief is allowed.

Missing someone even while they're sitting right beside you—is allowed.

And alongside the grief, there can still be moments worth treasuring.

A smile.

A familiar song.

A gentle touch.

A shared meal.

A quiet moment together.

These moments may look different from the past, but they can still matter.

A Gentle Reminder from The Memory Nest

If today is one of the harder days, don't judge yourself for missing who your loved one used to be.

Take a breath.

Let the sadness be there.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

And when you're ready, remember:

Meet them where they are today.

Love them there.

Connect with them there.